[94]

A CEITHIR DEUG

GHNOG Somhairle MacIain air doras an t-seòmair-sgeadachaidh. Chuala e MacAsgaill agus Màiri NicIllinnein abruidhinn aig bonn na staidhre, agus bha an trannsa anns an robh e na sheasamh trang le muinntir an telebhisean agiùlan na h-uidheim aca a-mach dha na bhanaichean a bha afeitheamh aig an doras-cùil. Ach cha robh fuaim sam bith atighinn às an rùm.
Dhfhosgail e doras an t-seòmair-sgeadachaidh a bha air a chur a-mach dhan Chaimbeulach agus chaidh e a-steach. Cha robh laiste ach aon solas ìseal agus anns an duibhre chunnaic e an Caimbeulach sìnte air a dhruim air an làr na shuain chadail. Bha trì botail uisge-bheatha cha mhòr falamh agus canastairean leann nan seasamh ri sgeilp a bha aruith fo shreath sgàthanan air fear dhe na ballachan.
Chuir manaidsear an taigh-chluiche a bhaga leathair air an làr ro taobh aChaimbeulaich, thog e dhe na cathraichean a bha air beulaibh na sgeilpe agus shuidh e sìos. Bhruidhinn e gu socair, ìseal: “Mr Campbell? Are you okay, Mr Campbell? ”
Dhùisg an Caimbeulach sa bhad agus shuidh e an àird gu cabhagach. Las eMarlboro, agus cho luaths a thug e achiad anail bha e air a chràdh le casad throm. Bha an t-aodann aige dearg agus bha deòir na shùilean. “Whore you? ”thuirt e.
Thog MacIain canastair far na sgeilpe is shìn e chun aChaimbeulaich e. Thuirt an Caimbeulach: “What the fuck are you doing here? What the fuck is going on?”
Hair of the dog, ”thuirt MacIain. “Im Samuel Johnson. Depute Manager of this place. Weve got to talk.”
Youre proposing marriage? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach, agus thilg e an canastair dhan bhucaid. “If you are, no need for the boozeIm off it just


[95] now anyway. Just talk money, Mr Johnson.”
I thought, ”thuirt MacIain, “I. .. I was under the impression –”
Tha I was rubbered, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. “Sorry to disappoint you, Sam. Just doing my relaxation exercises. Little tip I picked up in the last puzzle factory I was in. You know, drying out? Whats on your mind?”
My God, ”thuirt MacIain.
Easy mistake to make, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. “You see the empty booze bottles lying aroundhospitality for honoured guests and assorted freeloaders, of course, but you dont know that; you clock a guy whos been described as a walking syringe flaked out on the deck, and you put two and two together and –”
Get five, ”thuirt MacIain le gàire. “Im sorryhey, Im glad. I meanlisten, Don, that was some show you put on tonight. I mean, Ive only been here for two years, but in that time weve never done better box office. Lindathats my bossLinda Barringtons turning cartwheels down in the hospitality suite right now. Probably making plans to put yet another boring third world musical ensemble into the place. Never mind that they couldnt fill a telephone kiosk. The point is, she gets the chance to get sexually harrassed by some brutal ethnic type persons when she goes out to audition them on location. Anyway, Don, everybodys hyperventilating about the show, and Ive got the figures and the cash all ready here. Fancy going over them with me?”
Does the Popecacin the woods? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
Oh, ”thuirt MacIain, “that reminds methe Pope, I mean. Ms Barrington asked me to deliver this to you. ”Thug e cèis ruadh, cèis gu math reamhar, a-mach às a bhaga agus shìn e dhan Chaimbeulach i. “Okay? ”
Okay what? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
Look, ”thuirt MacIain, “Im just the message-boy here. ‘Take this little token of our appreciation to Mr Campbell immediately, Sam,’ she says. So I go: ‘Any message?’ And she says: ‘You might suggest to Mr Campbell that if he were motivated to pay a return visit to Fort William in the near future, the management here would be inclined to view any application from him to hire the theatre in a favourable light.’ So Id say, if you were to ask me, what youve got is a little person from the lovely Linda. Any objection to presents? ”


[96]

No, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
Fine, ”thuirt MacIain. “The television guys are over the moon about you too. How are you making out with this Gaelic television stuff anyway?”
I think, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach, “things just improved a lot.”
Gets better, ”thuirt MacIain, agus thug e seachad cèis ruadh eile nach robh cho tiugh ris achiad .
Whats this? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
Video cassettes and CDs, ”thuirt MacIain, “minus ten per cent for us. Two hundred and seventy quid for you. ”Thug e làn a dhùirn phàipearan a-mach às abhaga. “Ready for the numbers? ”
Dhèirich an Caimbeulach, thug e peann agus leabhar beag dubh a-mach à pocaid an taobh a-staigh dhen t-seacaid aige agus choimhead e sìos air MacIain. “Go for it.”
Well, ”thuirt MacIain, “gross receipts totalled four thousand, five hundred and fifty-three pounds. What we had here was a full house. Thats not a hundred per cent capacity, you understand? Actually, you cant get one hundred per cent in this house. Eight per cent of the boxes are permanently booked by Phoenix Fabricationssome kind of sponsorship-tax-break deal, I dont know –”
Never mind that, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. Sgrìobh e san leabhar aige; “Gu lr. Cthr, gu l.” Thuirt e: “Your whack?”
Expenses, ”thuirt MacIain, “for advertising, newspaper ads, promos on radio, printing –”
Bottom line, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
Okay, ”thuirt MacIain. “Bottom line comes to one three six oh. A little less that fifteen hundred.”
You guys happy with that, then? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. Sgrìobh e san leabhar: “CC. ml. gu l. – mrlch? !”
Very, ”thuirt MacIain. “The way I get it, its a fifty-fifty split between you and Albion Television. That means your share comes too, I make it, a grand and a half?”
You got that in cash? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. Sgrìobh e san leabharMart. Lthr. K. – ‘Saor., sr. m.dh.th.”
Sure, ”thuirt MacIain. Thug e pasgan de notaichean air a cheangal le bannan lastaig -mach às a bhaga agus chuir e ann an làimh a


[97] Chaimbeulaich e. “Can I ask you a favour? ”Dhùin e a bhaga is sheas e.
Fire away, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
Could you send me a photograph of Mary Maclennan, ”thuirt MacIain, “and get her to sign itWith best wishes to Sam’ ?”
Fancy her, do you? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
Shes gorgeous, ”thuirt MacIain. “I dont understand a word she saidI dont have the Gaelic, you knowbut shes got a great voice and she looks terrific. Ill bet you shes got a great future in television. Will you send on a photograph?”
No problem, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach, is e adinneadh an airgid a-staigh dha na pòcaidean aige. “A guy makes a box-up of the receipts, and I end up in pocket, its the least I can do. But I wouldnt if I were you.”
What the fuck? ”thuirt MacIain. “What do you meanbox-upandI wouldnt if I were you’ ?”
Relax, youve still got the job, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. “The deal was two-thirds of the net profits to Albion, one third to me. Dont worrytheyll probably take the five hundred off my television fee further down the line. But thats later, and its now were interested in, right? Theatres got its money. More importantly, Ive got mine. And youll never know how grateful I am that the lovely Linda went to scholl on a short bus and didnt bother to check the percentages with Carol Macleoid.
As for another thing, ”thuirt e, “of course Ill get you Marys autograph. Shell be thrilled you asked for it. What I meant was that you shouldnt bet on her future success in television. You see, Sam, teuchtars are to television what lumps of rotten mackerel in lobster creels are to haute cuisine. Were the bait. There are a handful of tartan heads in the medium, of course, but there all trying to pass as Lowlanders anyway. But the rest of us, from the reservation as it were, are low-echelon recuits and are excluded from the primary decision-making process. So, while I agree with you that Mary is talented and indeed no ill to look at. I wouldnt hold my breath for her big break on telly. Not under the present system, at least. ”
Choimhead MacIain a-null air an doras agus chrath e a cheann. “Thats tough, ”thuirt e. “Shes, you know, she seems a nice person. You too, Don, ”thuirt e, is e adèanamh gàire, “youre a very funny man And the other guyChrist, he can play a bit, cant he? ”


[98]

Oh, Im proud of them both, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach is e abruidhinn mar mhinistear Gàidhealach. “Yes, Sam, Im glad I had the opportunity to be an instrument of the Lords will that both of them should be released from the grip of Satan. Calum Iain from drugs and poor, sweet Mary from prostitution. If you had seen that sorry pair in the depths of their degradation, Mary with her hair full of chewing gum and Calum Iain with his entire face smeared with glue, you would have wept. I was an instrument of their deliverance. I served Him by raising the pair of them out of the gutter, where they both lay, face down. In the stank.”
Hey, Don, ”thuirt MacIain, “I just about wet myself at the Free Church minister character you did tonight. That was great. Oh, yes, and the dentist routine too. That was a knock-out. Whenll we get to see them on telly?”
I dont know, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. “End of the year sometime.”
Hey, Don, ”thuirt MacIain.
What? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
I was really happy at the show tonight, ”thuirt MacIain. “Were you happy?”
I dont think so, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. “I dont really know the meaning of happiness.”
It means, ”thuirt MacIain, “that tears come to your eyes.”
Oh, that, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. “Well, then, I suppose Im happy most of the time. ”

titleA Ceithir Deug
internal date1996.0
display date1996
publication date1996
level
parent textCùmhnantan
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