---

[94]

A CEITHIR DEUG

GHNOG Somhairle MacIain air doras an t-seòmair-sgeadachaidh. Chuala e MacAsgaill agus Màiri NicIllinnein a’ bruidhinn aig bonn na staidhre, agus bha an trannsa anns an robh e na sheasamh trang le muinntir an telebhisean a’ giùlan na h-uidheim aca a-mach dha na bhanaichean a bha a’ feitheamh aig an doras-cùil. Ach cha robh fuaim sam bith a’ tighinn às an rùm.
Dh’fhosgail e doras an t-seòmair-sgeadachaidh a bha air a chur a-mach dhan Chaimbeulach agus chaidh e a-steach. Cha robh laiste ach aon solas ìseal agus anns an duibhre chunnaic e an Caimbeulach sìnte air a dhruim air an làr na shuain chadail. Bha trì botail uisge-bheatha cha mhòr falamh agus canastairean leann nan seasamh ri sgeilp a bha a’ ruith fo shreath sgàthanan air fear dhe na ballachan.
Chuir manaidsear an taigh-chluiche a bhaga leathair air an làr ro taobh a’ Chaimbeulaich, thog e tè dhe na cathraichean a bha air beulaibh na sgeilpe agus shuidh e sìos. Bhruidhinn e gu socair, ìseal: “Mr Campbell? Are you okay, Mr Campbell? ”
Dhùisg an Caimbeulach sa bhad agus shuidh e an àird gu cabhagach. Las eMarlboro, agus cho luath ’s a thug e a’ chiad anail bha e air a chràdh le casad throm. Bha an t-aodann aige dearg agus bha deòir na shùilean. “Who’re you? ”thuirt e.
Thog MacIain canastair far na sgeilpe is shìn e chun a’ Chaimbeulaich e. Thuirt an Caimbeulach: “What the fuck are you doing here? What the fuck is going on?”
“Hair of the dog, ”thuirt MacIain. “I’ m Samuel Johnson. Depute Manager of this place. We’ve got to talk.”
“You’re proposing marriage? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach, agus thilg e an canastair dhan bhucaid. “If you are, no need for the booze – I’m off it just

---

[95] now anyway. Just talk money, Mr Johnson.”
“I thought, ”thuirt MacIain, “I. .. I was under the impression –”
“Tha I was rubbered, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. “Sorry to disappoint you, Sam. Just doing my relaxation exercises. Little tip I picked up in the last puzzle factory I was in. You know, drying out? What’s on your mind?”
“My God, ”thuirt MacIain.
“Easy mistake to make, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. “You see the empty booze bottles lying around – hospitality for honoured guests and assorted freeloaders, of course, but you don’t know that; you clock a guy who’s been described as a walking syringe flaked out on the deck, and you put two and two together and –”
“Get five, ”thuirt MacIain le gàire. “I’ m sorry – hey, I’m glad. I mean – listen, Don, that was some show you put on tonight. I mean, I’ve only been here for two years, but in that time we’ve never done better box office. Linda – that’s my boss – Linda Barrington’s turning cartwheels down in the hospitality suite right now. Probably making plans to put yet another boring third world musical ensemble into the place. Never mind that they couldn’t fill a telephone kiosk. The point is, she gets the chance to get sexually harrassed by some brutal ethnic type persons when she goes out to audition them on location. Anyway, Don, everybody’s hyperventilating about the show, and I’ve got the figures and the cash all ready here. Fancy going over them with me?”
“Does the Popecacin the woods? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
“Oh, ”thuirt MacIain, “that reminds me – the Pope, I mean. Ms Barrington asked me to deliver this to you. ”Thug e cèis ruadh, cèis gu math reamhar, a-mach às a bhaga agus shìn e dhan Chaimbeulach i. “Okay? ”
“Okay what? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
“Look, ”thuirt MacIain, “I’ m just the message-boy here. ‘Take this little token of our appreciation to Mr Campbell immediately, Sam,’ she says. So I go: ‘Any message?’ And she says: ‘You might suggest to Mr Campbell that if he were motivated to pay a return visit to Fort William in the near future, the management here would be inclined to view any application from him to hire the theatre in a favourable light.’ So I’d say, if you were to ask me, what you’ve got is a little person from the lovely Linda. Any objection to presents? ”

---

[96]

“No, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
“Fine, ”thuirt MacIain. “The television guys are over the moon about you too. How are you making out with this Gaelic television stuff anyway?”
“I think, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach, “things just improved a lot.”
“Gets better, ”thuirt MacIain, agus thug e seachad cèis ruadh eile nach robh cho tiugh ris a’ chiad tè.
“What’s this? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
“Video cassettes and CDs, ”thuirt MacIain, “minus ten per cent for us. Two hundred and seventy quid for you. ”Thug e làn a dhùirn dè phàipearan a-mach às a’ bhaga. “Ready for the numbers? ”
Dh’èirich an Caimbeulach, thug e peann agus leabhar beag dubh a-mach à pocaid an taobh a-staigh dhen t-seacaid aige agus choimhead e sìos air MacIain. “Go for it.”
“Well, ”thuirt MacIain, “gross receipts totalled four thousand, five hundred and fifty-three pounds. What we had here was a full house. That’s not a hundred per cent capacity, you understand? Actually, you can’t get one hundred per cent in this house. Eight per cent of the boxes are permanently booked by Phoenix Fabrications – some kind of sponsorship-tax-break deal, I don’t know –”
“Never mind that, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. Sgrìobh e san leabhar aige; “Gu lr. Cthr, gu l.” Thuirt e: “Your whack?”
“Expenses, ”thuirt MacIain, “for advertising, newspaper ads, promos on radio, printing –”
“Bottom line, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
“Okay, ”thuirt MacIain. “Bottom line comes to one three six oh. A little less that fifteen hundred.”
“You guys happy with that, then? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. Sgrìobh e san leabhar: “CC. ml. gu l. – mrlch? !”
“Very, ”thuirt MacIain. “The way I get it, it’s a fifty-fifty split between you and Albion Television. That means your share comes too, I make it, a grand and a half?”
“You got that in cash? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. Sgrìobh e san leabhar “Mart. Lthr. K. – ‘Saor., sr. m.dh.th.”
“Sure, ”thuirt MacIain. Thug e pasgan de notaichean air a cheangal le bannan lastaig -mach às a bhaga agus chuir e ann an làimh a’

---

[97] Chaimbeulaich e. “Can I ask you a favour? ”Dhùin e a bhaga is sheas e.
“Fire away, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
“Could you send me a photograph of Mary Maclennan, ”thuirt MacIain, “and get her to sign it ‘With best wishes to Sam’ ?”
“Fancy her, do you? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
“She’s gorgeous, ”thuirt MacIain. “I don’t understand a word she said – I don’t have the Gaelic, you know – but she’s got a great voice and she looks terrific. I’ll bet you she’s got a great future in television. Will you send on a photograph?”
“No problem, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach, is e a’ dinneadh an airgid a-staigh dha na pòcaidean aige. “A guy makes a box-up of the receipts, and I end up in pocket, it’s the least I can do. But I wouldn’t if I were you.”
“What the fuck? ”thuirt MacIain. “What do you mean ‘box-up’ and ‘I wouldn’t if I were you’ ?”
“Relax, you’ve still got the job, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. “The deal was two-thirds of the net profits to Albion, one third to me. Don’t worry – they’ll probably take the five hundred off my television fee further down the line. But that’s later, and it’s now we’re interested in, right? Theatre’s got its money. More importantly, I’ve got mine. And you’ll never know how grateful I am that the lovely Linda went to scholl on a short bus and didn’t bother to check the percentages with Carol Macleoid.
“As for another thing, ”thuirt e, “of course I’ll get you Mary’s autograph. She’ll be thrilled you asked for it. What I meant was that you shouldn’t bet on her future success in television. You see, Sam, teuchtars are to television what lumps of rotten mackerel in lobster creels are to haute cuisine. We’re the bait. There are a handful of tartan heads in the medium, of course, but the’re all trying to pass as Lowlanders anyway. But the rest of us, from the reservation as it were, are low-echelon recuits and are excluded from the primary decision-making process. So, while I agree with you that Mary is talented and indeed no ill to look at. I wouldn’t hold my breath for her big break on telly. Not under the present system, at least. ”
Choimhead MacIain a-null air an doras agus chrath e a cheann. “That’s tough, ”thuirt e. “She’s, you know, she seems a nice person. You too, Don, ”thuirt e, is e a’ dèanamh gàire, “you’re a very funny man And the other guy – Christ, he can play a bit, can’t he? ”

---

[98]

“Oh, I’m proud of them both, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach is e a’ bruidhinn mar mhinistear Gàidhealach. “Yes, Sam, I’m glad I had the opportunity to be an instrument of the Lord’s will that both of them should be released from the grip of Satan. Calum Iain from drugs and poor, sweet Mary from prostitution. If you had seen that sorry pair in the depths of their degradation, Mary with her hair full of chewing gum and Calum Iain with his entire face smeared with glue, you would have wept. I was an instrument of their deliverance. I served Him by raising the pair of them out of the gutter, where they both lay, face down. In the stank.”
“Hey, Don, ”thuirt MacIain, “I just about wet myself at the Free Church minister character you did tonight. That was great. Oh, yes, and the dentist routine too. That was a knock-out. When’ll we get to see them on telly?”
“I don’t know, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. “End of the year sometime.”
“Hey, Don, ”thuirt MacIain.
“What? ”thuirt an Caimbeulach.
“I was really happy at the show tonight, ”thuirt MacIain. “Were you happy?”
“I don’t think so, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. “I don’t really know the meaning of happiness.”
“It means, ”thuirt MacIain, “that tears come to your eyes.”
“Oh, that, ”thuirt an Caimbeulach. “Well, then, I suppose I’m happy most of the time. ”